Internet (Including BBW) Models

In joining groups on the internet, you will often times "get" promo (mass) email messages sent to you from people in the porn industry, usually along the lines of "join my website", "see me at this club November 5th", or something like that.

Exhibit A:




One way porn stars try to make money off the stupid, promoting websites with "exclusive pics" they'll be able to get after some moron pays and lets people have them

I have no problem with people getting money (thought this isn't how I would do it), but I don't think I'm in the business of boosting some ex-stripper's ego, nor am I trying to be responsible for a BBW being lazy and not getting a job like everybody else, but gets her bills paid anyway because she's got so many horny (and crazy ass) people gassing her after she put her double F tits on the internet.

That's not all. Sometimes, I even get these emails from porno chicks, asking for dudes to feed their ego and buy them underwear or whatever; the nerve to ask me to come up off of my hard-earned stacks to give a woman I'm not even smashing gifts! And some of them actually do it! Some of the BBW's ask for guys to buy their (used) underwear! Yeah, I know, gross! I tell you, the nerve of some people.

Exhibit B:



"My birthday is tomorrow, hint hint. Also, please buy my unwashed, smelly, clap-infested, piss-drenched draws. It's for a good cause, me being able to make my tits bigger after eating at McDonalds so I can ask you to pay again to see my e-tits on webcam! I'm so hot right now"

Newly added as of today, Sunday November 30, 2008:

So today, I go on AOHell Instant Messenger and I get blindsided by the following "conversation":

Exhibit C:



The first instance of an online "street team" that I've seen in a while...

Apparently, this chick is so hot, I don't even need to vote for her; she has her own online street team, so what would be the point in me voting for her if she has it like that already? She seems to be looking for that oh, so gratifying boost to her ego and self-esteem.

I guess people with big asses and good head skill need money too; I mean, they weren't good enough for Hollywood, because if they were, they'd be doing that instead of sucking dick and taking one in the ass for a few dollars to put in the Honda Accord.

Instant Messengers

These days, the instant messenger has become a godsend to average persons and stalkers alike. You use it to get to know people you find on social networking sites, to keep in touch with your people, or for a more adult purpose (to send people nekkid pics you can't post to the aforementioned sites).

But some people seem to use it to advertise that they're not at the PC close to 90% of the time; I'm not sure why, because if they're never there, why even come on the IM to begin with? I understand if they're busy, but if people never talk to you, why do they bother to accept your invite or invite you in the first place? Nobody is that busy....nobody. And if they were, they're out getting that cheddar and wouldn't even bother to turn on the PC. I guess a better question would be why would these folks have people they're not trying to talk to on their friends list? Are they still campaigning for internet attention whore e-president?

Exhibit A:



An example of what I see on Yahoo Instant Messenger most every day

When I see people on my list, I typically will send them a message, and after 10 minutes, if I don't get a response or I get very short answers if I do get a reply, I'll close the window, because for the lack of conversation I'm getting, my PC's resources could be better spent on something I'm doing at that time.

Exhibit B:



I really need to lay off some people, don't I?

I should mention yet one more thing about instant messengers that annoy the hell out of me: people who are shown as online, but when you speak to them, they don't reply. It's like why the fuck are you even signed in to the messenger and not either idle or away, if you don't plan on replying to me or anybody else? It makes me think I need to get my layoffs underway ASAP, starting with that person.

All things being equal, I think it's about time to get to cleaning out my instant messengers (Yahoo, AOL, I don't use MSN anymore; too much spyware), by which I mean a round of massive layoffs for people who take up space and never talk; go be alone in your basement if you want to be a social hermit crab; I don't want or need it...

Soulja Boy

Ok, I've been fighting myself as to whether I wanted to do a blog on this guy, but now I realize I have a responsibility to you all to do it, for 2 reasons; I'll address my 2 beefs with him in turn below:

• Personally, I think his "music" thoroughly blows! Females and (mostly gay) Males below to slightly above 18 years of age probably don't think so but who gives a shit; they know nothing about good music anyway, so...
• Because of a fairly recent article I read (after viewing a piece of YouTube footage).

Firstly, his music is complete trash! Bottom line! Instead of making music with a true message (stop the violence, increase the peace, etc.), he emphasizes his ability to use his wealth to buy material things (damn you, Puff Daddy, circa 1996!). He then says he's in the music industry to provide for his family so they don't have to ever be without again. Soulja Boy claims that he wasn't around when true hip hop songs were big, so he doesn't know much if anything, about them.

After all that time he spent dissing Ice-T with his videos on YouTube, I would think he and those nut lickers of his in the background would spend the time he used to research and then dis Ice-T to do research on the art form he claims to love so much, so as to not suck so badly at it, but that's neither here or there, so whatever.

My real beef with Soulja Boy is over the aforementioned statement he made in a recent interview. In it, he was asked by BET correspondent and former Rolling Stone contributor, Touré, after he asked various other stars which historical figure they most hated. After he failed to respond, Touré tried to get a response out of him, saying "others have said Hitler, bin Laden, the slave masters ... " at which point Soulja Boy said: "Oh wait! Hold up! Shout out to the slave masters! Without them we'd still be in Africa. We wouldn't be here to get this ice and tattoos." It should be noted that "ice" as he calls it, actually came (and to this day continues to come) from Africa...

Exhibit A:



Soulja Boy, in it for the love of the music...

My goal is not to slam the boy for trying to get money. At least he's not out here trying to be a snowman; that's not the issue here. I just think that as a celebrity, you have a responsibility to all your fans to be a positive influence through your music and being on TV. You're supposed to be showing that black men are concerned with more than material possessions, but life as well. Instead, you choose to perpetuate the stereotype that we all want rims, cheddar, and a lot of hoes.

I believe that Planned Parenthood should have Soulja Boy as their poster child to illustrate what happens when people get pregnant and then proceed to give birth while high on weed after that ridiculous statement. I guess I'm just a hater though, because I'm not able to buy ice and get tattoos and stuff...

The Salvation Army

I don't necessarily hate the Salvation Army (or helping those less fortunate than myself) per se, it's just that they're always posted at all entrances and exits of shopping malls and retail stores so as to prevent you from being able to get by while they're distracted by harassing those on the way out.

From the time you get out of your car and hear that ominous ringing, you start to think to yourself "Aww, hell!" and start plotting your ways in and out of there before the savior of the poor can find and ask you for money. Typically, you only will see them at or around Christmas.

To be fair, there probably isn't a better way to gather essential items for the have-nots than to ask the haves for some of theirs. I just don't like the feeling of actively trying to avoid helping people, and these guys just make that feeling worse.

Exhibit A:

Ring-a-ding-a-ling-a-ling...



Who you will probably run into when you go to any store, especially at Christmastime...

They always end up catching you sneak out of the store as you try to avoid being detected and always say "God bless you". I found out this is "Salvation Army-ese" for "your ass is busted; drop all your change in here", and this automatically causes you to turn around and give them all your left over money, Don't wanna go to hell, do ya?

There isn't much that you can do about itI don't think; I wonder how the rich keep people like these guys away from them without giving them a dime? I mean side from making a very big tax-deductable donation???

Customer Service

It doesn't really matter to me which side of the coin you're talking about, I hate it all. Whether it's terrible service from a company representative, or you're talking about the customer from hell, I've learned a couple of things about the customer service (retail) industry:

• Retail companies do not pay people enough to endure the sea of angry customers on Black Friday.
• The Retail industry sucks ass (with skid marks, and little shit balls on the ass hairs), big time! Don't do it if you can avoid it!
  
• I've grown to have much respect for those who deal with bad customers on a daily basis.
• In general, people ignore, or outright disrespect those who are in the business of serving them, especially in the food industry.
  

And Finally...

• That I never, ever want to do it again...ever!

One side of the Coin

I used to do be in retail and I can't even begin to tell you how many dumbasses I came across in my 7 years at office depot. This one time, I had a woman ask me "where's your white-out?"; it wouldn't have been so bad, had we not been standing directly...in front of...the white-out! I dealt with people from the planet dumbass on more than one occasion during my stay at Office Depot. She wasn't the first, and she sure as hell wasn't the last...

Exhibit A:



This is an example of what I had to deal with that day. Note the far-away look in her eyes, and general expression of idiocy on her face.

This one time, this one guy came in, appearing to need help in computers, but when I asked them, they ignored me, then acted all arrogant and indignant to me, so I stopped and left him alone there. Later when I was helping another (nicer, more pleasant) customer, the guy broke right in the middle of our conversation, and flagged me down for the help I originally asked him if he needed. I tell him I'm helping someone and will be with him in a moment; he promptly went to find someone else to bother.

Exhibit B:



This is an artist's rendition of what these customers looked like...

And now, a little word about the retail industry:

You see in retail, your managers always tell you to ask people almost automatically if they need help, the minute they walk in the store, because they may be mystery shoppers. So if you ever go into a store, and you feel like people are all over your nuts (or bra straps if you're a woman), that's why. We don't want to do it; we just don't have a better job to be at and we're not trying to get fired from this one. I now return you to the rest of this blog, already in progress...

Ok, so another time, another man with a baseball bat-sized stick up his ass (not literally) came in, demanding that somebody that knows something about binders get out here now! So, I was called in, and the guy was just totally nasty to me so I just stopped trying to help his ass, and was like "don't ask me for help until you learn to talk to me." So to all those writhing in aggravation in retail hell, I'm with ya; don't feel like you're in it alone.

The Other Side of the Coin

I've been places where I'll see the employees not giving a shit if you get what you need. If you're lost and looking for a department, they treat you like you shot his or her mother. I'm like "damn, my bad. I wont ask you anything again" and promptly ask to see a manager.

My Final Thought

I personally don't subscribe to the idea of "the customer is always right", but I do believe that you reap exactly what you sow, so if you're one of these asinine people who always has to go somewhere like a restaurant and make a stink about your food not being exactly to your liking, you would do well not to start bitching at the waiter (who just brought you the food; he/she didn't make it), or generally harassing every person working there, nor should you demand for someone to take your food back, that is unless you like your new food with extra fixings...

Myspace

I've already done a blog on social networking websites, but I felt that Myspace needed a blog all for itself.

Most of us have a Myspace account. Those of us in our high 20's and beyond just use it for keeping up with old high school folks and checking for new people. But many people 20 years old and under (not to generalize younger people but you know what it is) use Myspace as a way for them, who are by their very nature, attention whores who didn't have friends in high school to have online contests with folks that are equally in desperate need of attention, to see who has the most "e-popularity" and the most "e-swagger", judged by the most extensive friends list, adding pretty much anyone that the person has ever been in the same country as.

Exhibit A:



What a Myspace addict dreams of seeing every time they log in

Usually, you'll see at least 1 bulletin a week from them along the lines of "new pics! Plz comment on them, thanx". These bulletins are just Myspace-speak for "somebody pleeeease pay me attention and stroke my ego!" Usually, they look like:

Exhibit B:



What the typical Myspace attention whore looks like.

Myspace is simply another avenue for garage (garbage) bands to make themselves feel big for having a music profile, without paying a single due or having a single fan or groupie, with music people usually turn off when the page loads halfway. It has also become the attention whore capitol of the world, with every person who thinks because somebody made eye contact with them, they now qualify as hot and must upload several dozen pics of themselves a week, sitting in a dark-ass room on webcam, taking pics of themselves in the bathroom mirror (more on that in a later post) or grainy pics with 10 of their equally lame Myspace friends out on the town at the club, either sticking their asses out in front of an airbrushed car backdrop or forcing the viewer to play a game of "Where's Waldo?" where you have to guess which one of the chicks does this page actually belongs to.

Exhibit C:



Can you find the owner of the Myspace page in this picture?

I don't usually go in there anymore; it has lost it's appeal to me. Also, most everybody on my list are people I've been knowing forever from other places and real life. I make it a point not to compete in the e-retardo popularity contests; I use the site the way it was meant to be used, as a networking tool, but that sounds silly I guess...

Peoples' (Bad, Loud, Cryin' Ass) Kids

I know you all have been somewhere like church or a restaurant or wherever, where you're supposed to keep conversation (and noise in general) to a minimum. But while you were there, have you ever been made to feel uncomfortable because some spoiled little bastard is just screaming his/her little 3-year old head off and in general acting like a damn fool?

Every time I got to church on Sundays, it never fails; right during the sermon and especially during prayer, some spoiled child proceeds to start howling like a banshee, usually right...behind...me, and their parents do absolutely nothing for almost 5 minutes, before finally going about the business of dragging the child out of the congregation...the long way out of the church because they're right in the middle of the middle pew in the church, most likely outside for a beating.

Exhibit A:

You thought it was the start of Armageddon, didn't you? Nah, not quite though...



"Noooooooooo! I don't wanna be quiet, I wanna raise hell! Whaaaaaaaaaaa......!"

What I don't get is how the parents of this hell spawn can just sit there, tuning this out while everybody else suffers temporary hearing loss, and temporary insanity because your parenting (or lack thereof) skill.

I know these days parents can't discipline their kids like we were back in day, mostly because of child abuse laws, but come on! There is no excuse for you to intrude on other peoples' time on the town because you don't know how (or just plain refuse) to keep your kids in line.

Exhibit B:



Here's what I think of your approach to "parenting":

Oh and don't think about bringing your new friend/sex partner over at night and you kid(s) are still up, ohhhh noooo! Or else this will be the result:

Exhibit C:



If you can't (or simply refuse to) keep your bad ass kids in line, here's what I propose you do: either pay their asses some attention, or simply leave their asses at home, and you along with them! Don't leave these demons with your mother or a neighborhood kid and let them terrorize everybody else except you! Do not bring them out in public until they are old enough to act right; if you don't beat your kids from time to time, in 15 years, you'll either be posting their bail, or visiting the morgue...

Music Concerts

I don't think I'm gonna ever go to a concert, because every time I hear about them, people who went tell me they didn't enjoy it at all, like really bad sex. The performer(s) is (are) always late, even though they stay at a hotel in the city, they get to acting like divas, making insane demands like a limo for everyone in their 40-person entourage, and they ask for some outrageous amount of money for tickets ($65 and up) to the show and they don't get there until almost 3 hours after the show was supposed to start, and then get the nerve to perform for only 15-20 on a set that was supposed to be 45-60 minutes.

Every time there's a show, people always tell me that the performer was:

1. (Very) late. They know showtime is at 7:45 P.M., and although they stay 15 minutes. from the venue, will end up not showing for rehearsal and will get on stage looking like hot hell nearly 3 hours late!
   
2. Did not perform to concert-goers' satisfaction. Will catch an attitude like they've been in the business for years and deserve more respect than they got for that half-assed 5-min. performance, then try to leave the area quickly to get their groupie love thing on. Negro please!
   
3. Were very rude; they won't even act like they want to smile, sign an autograph, or be there seen near the fans that supported them. Then they complain that people bootleg their shit!

Exhibit A:



What the average performer acts like when they don't get what they "require" to do a show...

Therefore, I don't think that giving these people my money would be good business practice on my end, not so they can give a half-assed performance, buy more meaningless junk and walk around like they're better than me. That ain't gonna work for me. I mean, we as fans make these people who they are, even buying their wack-ass CDs with 2-3 tracks worth playing that, are also found on the radio, and they can't show some appreciation? Nah, no thank you...

White Folk's (Insane!) Love for Animals

You know, it's a funny thing. Of the many things that are messed up in this country (and the world), the love white people have for animals. Any animals. Theirs, their neighbors, yours and especially Michael Vick's animals. I love that folks wanna save the Tigers, or some other endangered animals, but when you get all pissed off because of the way chickens are "slaughtered", which we as Americans eat by the millions every year (and I'm about to eat right now) and are not endangered, I feel like "just shut the hell up, ok?" Get off it! Many of these people value the lives of their pets and animals in general, far more than mine, yours, and maybe even their own, and I think that's just retarded.

Folks will see a person that lays dying in the street, and they will just step over them and keep going. However, they will get pissed that Mike Vick fought dogs against each other, and will demand that you get as pissed off about it as they are. In all seriousness, I just don't give a damn. I don't do crazy shit like kissing my dog on the mouth like these folks do. I'm not trying to hear that shit about about their mouths being cleaner than a human's; I'll take my chances. Seriously, you have your priorities mixed up when you treat your animals better than you treat people.

Exhibit A:



Yes, they are cute, but are their lives more valuable than a human being's?

These kinds of people need to be committed, removed from regular society, because they're a health hazard; if we happened to step on a cat's tail by accident, they wouldn't hesitate for a second to cut our hearts out when they decide to get their crazy on.

"Acting White"

This is one that I myself have been accused of for much of my life: because your parents decided that you could be great one day and invested time and money into your education, you're acting white. Since when is being articulate (sorry, too big a word for your thimble-full of brains?) exclusively a white thing? What's so bad about properly using the English language? Folks were saying things like that about my Mr. President through the duration of this election, but when he won, they were all celebrating like they were on his side all along.

Exhibit A:

What people who typically clown anybody who acts "white" look like...



I guess it's my (along with many other "smarties") fault for not fitting the typical uneducated, uninterested-in-becoming-better, shiftless street thug exactly though. What's funny is that many (black) females stay bumping their gums about how they want a smart, intelligent man, but when one presents himself, they turn their noses up at him because he doesn't talk the way they want him to; not having bullet holes in his body all over the place hurts his cause as well.

Exhibit B:

What true professors in the hood look like:



It's funny: all these females who tell intelligent men that act "too white" for them typically have at least 2 kids (read: bastards) out of wedlock, but will say they want their kids to aspire to be smart and treat women like queens, the exact opposite of how they themselves react to black men who treat them likewise. Maybe I should be apologizing so here I go. I apologize for not being able to turn you on with my linguistic skills, for not getting you to come [cum] in (or out of for that matter) your thongs with my mastery of the English language. I'm also so very sorry that I'm not stupid like you!

Being intelligent and showing you've learned something in school other than how to sleep through class shouldn't be something to get crucified over; we should actually be celebrating those who are trying to make it, like our newest hero did the other night, so I ask you, what's wrong with being smart???

America's System for Rewarding People

It used to be that when people did anything good of particular "noteworthiness", it would get plastered in the local paper and be on the news, and sometimes the person would get a medal or a key to the city. Even in grade school, they had those damned awards ceremonies.

Like this one time, I was in high school, and us students had our daily sleep at school interrupted, only to be forced to go to an assembly where the faculty paraded all the straight "A" students (and those who had perfect attendance-- WOW!!!) in front of our collective faces, making us look and feel like real dummies (or just general indifference) also attempting to make us feel small because we were regular kids. They seem to be like "why can't the rest of you idiots be good like these guys?" I guess God will love me less because I didn't get straight A's all the time, but I digress....that's what the media typically awarded in those days -- positive things. But not now.

Today, if you're frequently in trouble with the law, staying in court for hitting your stylist in the head with cell phones or whatever, various television networks shower you with promises of your own series! What the hell! It's like all those things your mother ever told you about being a good person and fighting the good fight were all lies, and the only way to get anywhere in life is not just to be a waste of skin per se, but to be a royal fuck-up! It's like as long as you continue to stay in the news any and every way you can, trying as hard to be a jackass as you can, you'll be given all your heart's desires.

Exhibit A:



A person truly deserving of their own TV show...

I was watching this show a couple weeks back where this family had 17 (!) kids and they get all this free stuff including their own reality show, and even appeared on the "Today" show, for free! How fair is that?! You bust your ass every day and struggle to get to the bottom, and because these people decided to grow their own pro football team, they get things handed to them! In the ghetto, the government basically sews up a black woman's vagina but they will give (white) people free stuff and their own show!

Exhibit B:



What the mother (assistant coach) of the aforementioned football team looked like:

To be perfectly honest, reality shows of virtually any kind ("The Real World" being an exception) make me want to get drunk off my ass and then proceed to throw up, just so I'd have something to save me from boredom; I think I'd much rather see a series about a person who made (and/or continues to make) a difference in the lives of young people or people in general. For example, if Barack Obama hadn't won the election last night, I know I would be tuning in to whatever series he and his family were given, because I know it wouldn't suck and wouldn't be ratings poison.

I don't know why dumbasses are given their own for behaving badly; I guess as long as they're giving the media something to talk about, it'll continue to happen...

Social Networking Websites

The Internet is a funny thing. People who are shy (or otherwise socially inept) can claim to be (a real-life pimp, beautiful, etc.) and own many things they don't really have, (a gold mansion and a rocket car) creating an impressive "life" for themselves without ever having to show and prove. On social networking sites (BlackPlanet, Myspace, Tagged, Facebook etc.), the people who create such a life from scratch will do something like this:

Exhibit A:



"Welcome to my page. Please don't bother me..."

Yeah I know, WTF right? What...are...you...doing here if you don't want people to see and talk to you? Do these people think people will steal your one pic? Get the fuck outta here with that! Go die somewhere.

In a profile, you include some words about you, your likes, dislikes, hopes and dreams, etc. But for people like this you have be their friends in order to see anything resembling that. Yeah, I'm not that interested in seeing what you have to say. The wild thing about this is that while they get to remain virtually unknown, they demand to know all about you!

Another key component for social networking sites are pictures. Anybody with real online experience knows that if you don't have a picture, no one is going to show you any love! So what do you do if you're too lazy to take pics like everybody else? You do this:

Exhibit B:



A nice picture of a human being on a social networking site...

Folks, I know this is a shock, but it's 2008. If you don't have pics or can't afford to get pics taken, you have absolutely NO business being online! You can buy throwaway digital cameras for less than $20 these days; there is no excuse!

I'm not trying to discern who has a right to be on these type of web sites, but if you're a married man looking to get you an on-the-side smash, or if you're a married female trying to get some male "attention", saying you're looking for "friends" (Internet code for booty call), then you have the nerve to make a list of physical features said friend is required to have (example: he must be 6' or taller, cut, attractive, etc.), get the hell offline! If the person is only going to be a friend, what do you care if the person is male or female, good to look at or blindingly ugly? Looks and smells like a booty call to me; just say that's what's you're looking for. I do not want to have to explain to the crazy-ass husband, boyfriend, or possessive friend with benefits you "forgot" to tell me about why I have your number!

Exhibit C:



An attention whore being observed out in the wild

The lesson to learn here is to always be truthful about why you're here; if you feel at any point that you need to lie, you're probably doing wrong in the first place.