Luxury Car Companies

Luxury car companies produce commercials that tell you their cars come equipped with all these advanced safety features that regular cars don't have. Well that's just great! Now, the wealthy have one more thing to lord over us poor people: the right to live longer because they have the money to buy a car!

These commercials seem to imply that only those who can afford these outrageously overpriced cars deserve to be safe, and if you don't have the money to afford them, then you probably won't be getting to your appointed destinations safely. It's not entirely their fault though. These companies are a business like any other, and the customers make the demand, and so it would seem that rich people really like to say to regular people "Ha ha! I'm richer than you!" I didn't need to research this to know it, but whatever...

Exhibit A:



I guess I really did need that backing up beeping sound feature on my car. Huh...who knew??

Keep this in mind (especially the fellas) when you go to buy a new car: if you don't have a ton of money to blow on a luxury vehicle, not only can you expect to get clowned because of the car you buy, but also expect any non-luxury cars you consider to:

• Be ugly to look at
• Get terrible gas mileage
• Have the most uncomfortable ride ever
• Truly reflect your status as a poor person
• Be stuck in the Dark Ages technology-wise
• Not get you laid because it's an Escort, and not an Escalade
• Fall apart moments after you take it off the lot because of the car's halfassed construction
• Show that you're not only not in the upper 1% of America, but are, in fact, just a normal person, like the rest of us, and are therefore, not to be worshipped

By contrast, luxury vehicles:

• Are always beautiful to look at
• Will bring the chicks in by the dozen
  
• Have the most perfect ride of all time
  
• Are totally up-to-date technology-wise
• Perfectly constructed of quality materials
• Get wonderful gas mileage, regardless of vehicle size
• Truly reflect your status as just plain better than everybody else
• Allows its owner to make up for every (physical) shortcoming they have

Exhibit B:



The Cadillac "Corvette", the XLR. The cure for all feelings of inadequacy. Well worth the $106,000 asking price...

Now remember, you can't afford extravagance so by the time you're done reading this, you may already be dead or in a (poor peoples') hospital because you were just being cheap!

Cockteases (Of Any and All Kinds)

Fellas, has this ever happened to you? You get with a woman, she's flirting, laughing, talking toy you about this and that. You notice she's not wearing a wedding ring so you make your move and she says "I'm flattered, but...I'm married." It happened to me exactly like that just last week! To be sure, it was simply the best...waste of time...ever! Women such as this:

• Always have to be the center of attention 24/7
• Love to flirt and wear revealing clothes most of the time
• Are very touchy feely, like to hug, and will "innocently" graze against other people's bodies
• Have tramp stamps and other tattoos in very appropriate places, that guys will get ice cold stares at you if they dare to look
• Do not wear wedding rings in public and will talk to you all day but when you ask for her number, she says stuff like "I'm married"
• Will act like what they do is simply "being friendly", when they get called on it, but always know exactly what they're doing the entire time
  

Exhibit A:



What's in fashion for cockteases in the 2000's. If you get caught looking, it's not a great look. Apparently, a tattoo "artist" can scribble all over a female's back, but if you look at it you're a perv.

The other day, Mine is a double threat; she's also a cockblocker too! I told my cousin about this one (and the aforementioned married one) the other day, and he reminded me that that girls just want to have fun, but if there other men like me out there, they don't like being jerked around because women get bored and love to play mind games. Personally, if a woman tries to get off on messing with my head, she will get shut down and I'll flip the script and start messing with another woman.

I did that, and this cocktease/cockblocker now won't stay off my nuts; every time I go out with another female, she shoots me a text message and whines that she's lonely and in need of a friend. Yeah, go play in a busy street during rush hour and stop trying to mess up what I've got going here. I'm busy and I'll hit you up when I'm bored...maybe...

Let this be a lesson to you, ladies. If you overplay your hand, you can (and will) lose it all. Don't screw it up!