Job Applications and Hiring Managers

Don't you hate filling out job applications? I know I do! I mean really, the questions they ask! They're nosy as hell like they're the CIA. One of the questions I got a lot of is "if a better opportunity came along, would you quit this job?" Now mind you, I haven't even been offered the job yet, and they're already asking me a hypothetical.

Exhibit A: The typical interviewer



"Now, I'm going to need to know, are you going to stay with us, even if a better better opportunity comes along, mmmkaaay??"

I think they expect you to lie on some parts, because if you say "no", the interviewer ain't gonna hire you and they know it! It's like "hold on let me get in my 'to the future teleporter', go forward in time, see how things work out with this job, and then come back and let you know."

Interviewers often ask more questions worthy of Harvard diplomas like "do you feel you have had a difficult boss in past jobs?" We all have had this, so if you answer this question wrong, you don't get the job!

Exhibit B: The typical boss, who's sooo totally worthy of that "World's Best Boss" plaque:



"So Johnson, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Again, if you say the wrong thing, you don't get hired. I think that employers want to hear you say you plan to be working there until you die, that you never get angry, that you never, ever take a sick day; basically, they expect you to say you agree to become a mindless, soulless robot they can exploit called the "Employee 3000".

Exhibit C: What employers really expect their employees to be



"I am the employee 3000, version 2.0 now with 70% less sass!"

Then, they ask you stupid shit like "do you ever get upset when you get passed over for a promotion or when others don't do their share of the work?" or better yet "are you a hard worker?" Be careful here! If you say the wrong thing, you don't get the job!

Exhibit D: The typical work day



"Yahh! Yahh!" *whip cracks* "Back to work, slave! faster employee 3000! FASTER!!!!"

The trick is to lie, but tell the truth about stuff like that, because they know you're not a robot. They just ask trick questions, probably because they're evil or something.