Job Fairs

Job fairs are becoming more and more commonplace and more than a few people attend them due to the current state of the country's economy, as job fairs are designed to not only get people back to work, but also to give folks who are currently out of work a little bit of hope to cling to. But no matter how many job fairs you get dressed up to go to, in my view, they’re all a waste of time.

They fill your head with hope, and every single one of them you attend, the representatives there tell you that the companies' applications are only available online, and as such, you can only apply for any job you're trying to get in cyberspace, with little to no regard as to whether you have internet service or not. What this means is that you basically came from all the way across town for nothing! What the hell are the company representatives here for then?! What would be the point of me coming to those things? To find a spouse? I hope they don't think people came all the way down there with resumes in hand just to be told to go back home, get on the computer, and apply online.

Exhibit A:



This is how you start the day...

It gets better though. When people who need a job ASAP get to the job fair only to find out there are never, ever any on-the-spot job interviews, unsurprisingly, they get disgusted and leave. I'm wondering why on-the-spot job interviews are so unheard of? Well, that’s not totally true; technical colleges are on the lookout for more ways to get their paws on your no-money, and the Army booth is always looking for good men (and women), but I bet you didn’t come to a job fair for those things, did you?


Exhibit B:



The booth you'll encounter instead of a job every time you go to a job fair

Let this be a lesson to you, if you decide to go to a job fair, just know you'll not only have your time wasted, but you'll go through all of that only to end up back at your pc doing only what you were doing a few hours earlier. It's rough going folks, but we'll get through this...I hope...

Job Applications and Hiring Managers

Don't you hate filling out job applications? I know I do! I mean really, the questions they ask! They're nosy as hell like they're the CIA. One of the questions I got a lot of is "if a better opportunity came along, would you quit this job?" Now mind you, I haven't even been offered the job yet, and they're already asking me a hypothetical.

Exhibit A: The typical interviewer



"Now, I'm going to need to know, are you going to stay with us, even if a better better opportunity comes along, mmmkaaay??"

I think they expect you to lie on some parts, because if you say "no", the interviewer ain't gonna hire you and they know it! It's like "hold on let me get in my 'to the future teleporter', go forward in time, see how things work out with this job, and then come back and let you know."

Interviewers often ask more questions worthy of Harvard diplomas like "do you feel you have had a difficult boss in past jobs?" We all have had this, so if you answer this question wrong, you don't get the job!

Exhibit B: The typical boss, who's sooo totally worthy of that "World's Best Boss" plaque:



"So Johnson, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Again, if you say the wrong thing, you don't get hired. I think that employers want to hear you say you plan to be working there until you die, that you never get angry, that you never, ever take a sick day; basically, they expect you to say you agree to become a mindless, soulless robot they can exploit called the "Employee 3000".

Exhibit C: What employers really expect their employees to be



"I am the employee 3000, version 2.0 now with 70% less sass!"

Then, they ask you stupid shit like "do you ever get upset when you get passed over for a promotion or when others don't do their share of the work?" or better yet "are you a hard worker?" Be careful here! If you say the wrong thing, you don't get the job!

Exhibit D: The typical work day



"Yahh! Yahh!" *whip cracks* "Back to work, slave! faster employee 3000! FASTER!!!!"

The trick is to lie, but tell the truth about stuff like that, because they know you're not a robot. They just ask trick questions, probably because they're evil or something.