Friday, May 22, 2009

White People Who Speak Street

Folks, there are some people (usually white) who think that when speaking to urban (usually black) people, they need to:

  • Feel a sense of pride for conquering a challenge of trying to learn a new "language", one old-ass slang word at a time
  • Constantly prove that they're "down" by saying phrases that made their debut in the (early) 1990's, yet use perfect enunciation to make the words have less effect when spoken and sound more like a tight-ass white man from the 'burbs than a homie from around the way
  • Use Ebonics to become smug in their arrogance as now they can perpetrate like they're better able to speak to those common foul-mouthed ruffians (Lol yeah I said it) should others have need of a translator and cops aren't available

I'll chop each of these down one by one, but first things first. Normally, these seriously out-of-touch people are usually white. Typically, they vote Republican. They like things such as Yoga, Ciabatta sandwiches, and helping the less fortunate, meaning minorities, though they never actually go down to the shelters to volunteer. They are the most smug people ever. Lemme give these folks some words of advice: if you want to conquer a challenge, try living as black people live and see how long it takes you to become embarrassed at how Caucasian (as well as Asians, the new racists) people treat and/or see black people. You'd be the man for real for seeing things how we do every day!

Exhibit A:



What the typical street-wise white person looks like. You did get that bit of sarcasm, didn't you??

The thing about speaking street is that there are subtleties to the words that are important to remember as far as enunciation. White people promptly ignore this and pronounce it properly, for example, black folks commonly have a grandmother they refer to as "Big Mama". When white people attempt to say it, they say several variations such as:

  • Big Mother
  • Big Mommy
  • Large Mother

When spoken with perfect enunciation, the words will have little to no effect when spoken to blacks except roaring laughter. Please don't forget to say the words the way black people do if you want any credibility or risk about a 10 minute session of laughter courtesy of you.

I would go more into the last bullet point, but the extreme sense of pride people not of the culture has already been covered (and smothered), so I'll forego that one. My point is if you're gonna try to relate to/insult/act superior to me, could you maybe possibly try to use slang from the 2000's? I know Urbandictionary is a great source of more current slang than what you're attempting to use, so check them out, homie!

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Unseemly Employer Practices

It would seem that these days before a person can even get a job but after they apply for it, employers check an applicant's credit score before determining whether they get a job or not. To me, this is not only intrusive, but redundant. I mean, why would I be applying for a job if I didn't have debt? Why would I willingly incur more debt by obtaining things that come with bills if I didn't have to? It's sure a good thing I went to that job fair the other day. This kind of treatment is totally worth the hassle I went though.

Exhibit A:



Thanks to current employers' "strategy" to get the best employees (slaves), these have become harder than a math final to come by...

You have to have some things that require bills in order to establish credit history, which would allow a person to purchase homes, cell phones, automobiles, etc. I have news for employers, the majority (around 90%) of americans, in particular those who are currently out of work, have some amount of debt. Please do not make them out to be some sort of thieves and pickpockets...

Exhibit B:



This is how employers see employees

This begs the question: how exactly does one pay bills if the person can't get a job? It's like they put you in the same category as some master criminal because you have too much debt. This is so very unfair because if I wanted to steal something, I would just do it and probably wouldn't even need any damn credit in the first place. And it has absolutely nothing to do with how well you would perform on any future job either. It's used as sort of a weeding out process, denying a job opportunity to those who have a certain amount of debt. To me, attempting to get a job is the ultimate in taking responsibility for any and all accumulated debt, but what the hell do I know...

At this moment, all over the country, employers are now engaging in more sinister practices in order to weed people out of obtaining employment: checking their (and yours too probably) Facebook, Tagged, and Myspace pages before they determine whether you should get a job. As I understand it, this version of the "process of elimination" is quite illegal for companies to even be doing on any perspective employee. It makes you wonder how companies can get away with checking out potential employees' personal pages if it's sooo illegal...

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Job Fairs

Job fairs are becoming more and more commonplace and more than a few people attend them due to the current state of the country's economy, as job fairs are designed to not only get people back to work, but also to give folks who are currently out of work a little bit of hope to cling to. But no matter how many job fairs you get dressed up to go to, in my view, they’re all a waste of time.

They fill your head with hope, and every single one of them you attend, the representatives there tell you that the companies' applications are only available online, and as such, you can only apply for any job you're trying to get in cyberspace, with little to no regard as to whether you have internet service or not. What this means is that you basically came from all the way across town for nothing! What the hell are the company representatives here for then?! What would be the point of me coming to those things? To find a spouse? I hope they don't think people came all the way down there with resumes in hand just to be told to go back home, get on the computer, and apply online.

Exhibit A:



This is how you start the day...

It gets better though. When people who need a job ASAP get to the job fair only to find out there are never, ever any on-the-spot job interviews, unsurprisingly, they get disgusted and leave. I'm wondering why on-the-spot job interviews are so unheard of? Well, that’s not totally true; technical colleges are on the lookout for more ways to get their paws on your no-money, and the Army booth is always looking for good men (and women), but I bet you didn’t come to a job fair for those things, did you?


Exhibit B:



The booth you'll encounter instead of a job every time you go to a job fair

Let this be a lesson to you, if you decide to go to a job fair, just know you'll not only have your time wasted, but you'll go through all of that only to end up back at your pc doing only what you were doing a few hours earlier. It's rough going folks, but we'll get through this...I hope...

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The EBS (Emergency Broadcast System)

I know you hate this thing, because when there's a good game (or whatever you like to watch) on, the sound goes out, the green bar appears on the screen, and this loud ass siren comes on and it starts telling you places that aren't even near where you live are under a tornado warning.

Exhibit A:



"If this had been an actual emergency, the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions."

Every time you hear the EBS siren, it turns out to be a false alarm. If there really was an emergency, who would even be able to hear it if their power is out? If they listen by radio and heard the siren, wouldn't they already know there's an emergency if they looked outside and saw trees down everywhere?

Exhibit B:



Would you be able to see this symbol if your power went out during a storm???

And here's my final question: if this system is so useful, where was the EBS the morning of September 11th, 2001?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Forwards (Especially On Cell Phones)

Much like most people online, I get more than my fair share of emails (as of this moment I have 2392 total messages in my Yahoo inbox), but one thing I seem to be getting more of these days are forwards. I fucking hate those damn things! You could go several weeks to months without hearing from people, then all of a sudden, their name(s) pops up in your inbox, and when you go to check it out, it's a forward, something to the effect of "if you love Jesus, send this email (forward) to everyone you know, and receive a blessing that you need." I don't know about you, but I've done some wrong in my life, but I don't think that God would withhold His blessings from me, if I don't spread a message that probably has viruses attached to it to everyone I know, but whatever...

Exhibit A:



A sext....

Exhibit B:



...or is it?!

As if getting them in my email wasn't enough, now I even get them as text messages from people that hardly ever speak! What the hell, man?! I get a message, expecting to have a conversation with people, but all I get is some generic, recycled message (with a probable virus attached) that they send to everybody indiscriminately!

Exhibit B:



This is all I usually get from people nowadays. The thing about this is that HIV, like other viruses usually dies when exposed to air...

Folks, let me be clear about this right now so there can be no mistake about what I expect as it concerns communicating with me from now on, ok? A little warning to those who have sensitive hearing: I'm about yell right...about...now! DO NOT SEND ME A MESSAGE UNLESS YOU WANT TO HAVE LEGITIMATE CONVERSATIONS WITH ME AND/OR IT'S FUNNY AND RELEVANT!!! Forwards do not count! If I get jerked around like that one more time, I'm gonna lose it! Do we understand?

I don't mean to yell, but folks, do try to limit the forwards. It's so difficult to deal with getting the same message 14 times from 14 different people, y'all dig? With that said, I do hope to be getting more "real" email and text messages, that is, if I didn't hurt some feelings

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